The title has nothing to do with this blog.

I have no idea how to write papers. I mean my teachers always tell me that I write excellent papers, but I spend like three days just to write one paper. (by the way, I have terrible blogs I know, but thats just cause I write whats on my mind when I feel the need) I especially have difficult times writing papers when there is a lot of information at my finger tips, and I just happened to luck out with this paper in particular. I have EVERY bit of information I'll need without even having to look anything up. I have to write a self portrait paper about myself. Yes 'I know myself better than anyone ever will' but that just makes it even harder! I have to tell my teacher who I am, what I'm like, and who I'd like to be. When I know who I am. I am Renee D., born on August 19 (I wont go into year just because I don't want unwanted info to get googled or some shit like that). I know what I'm like... Kind of, there are still some things to this mystery that I have yet to solve, but I'm a super nerdy girl who happens to like a band from Australia called Sick Puppies ,Theatre, and Art (even though I'm no good at either of those two things, I still enjoy them). And now, the "Who I want to be". That is the part that I'm about as confused about as you or anyone else is. I mean everything I want to do I'm not very good at but I still enjoy it like theatre, I LOVE to do theatre but its more of a hobby and I'm not to great at it, saaaame for art. I love to draw and especially paint but I'm once again not good at that. I like to take pictures, but I don't see any photography in my future. Why is it so hard to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life? I mean, part of my fear is like whatever I choose,  "Will I make good enough money to survive?" blah blah blah, I mean yes that is one thing that I would like to take into considration in choosing something to have a career in. But shouldn't it matter more if I like it or not? If I want to wake up everyday and go to work because its what I really want to do? I'm completely torn between the two. If I happen to love living in Africa or some third world country in a village helping everyone with their everyday work and using work as my way of paying my way of living htere? Shouldn't I love it enough to actually get up and do THAT everyday? I mean I would love to like in a different country and just live life doing something simple like that but I dunno. I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm almost to the point where I could care less where I live or what I do. I don't even care if my house is a huge, extravagant house with marble floor, or beautiful chandeliers hanging from every ceiling in every room, or if my house is just a beach shack (hopefully with indoor, modern plumbing). What I'm trying to tell myself and you is that its ok to have no idea what you want to do, and if you don't want to anything, I recomend living in the beach shack happily, rather than living in a huge, expensive house with tons of money, and a job you'll hate doing the rest of your life.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be true, for you will be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Today was my second day at college. I know, that its only the second day and that I haven't given it a fair chance but, I don't like it so far. Well its not really college itself but it is. I went into this not knowing anyone or having my friends with me for moral support. That was scary, and this place is just... horrible. Its not my home. I lived in a tiny one stoplight town called Rusk Texas for ALMOST eighteen years. Just shy a few days but almost eighteen. I lived in the same house all of my life and never moved anywhere my whole life. I've just been stationary. I keep trying to tell myself that chang is good, but its hard to believe anything anyone says or anything that I tell myself when I feel sad all the time. Ever since I was in the 8th grade, I wanted to get out of Rusk and move to a big city because I hated that little town, and that everyone was nasty country bumpkins. Well I'd give anything to go back to that lovely little town that I knew as my home. I have realized that living near the city isn't as glamourous as the movies make it out ot be. I know that this is such a stupid thing to be sad about but I never realized how such little things impacted me or that I even noticed such little things, but at night, the sky here is hazed with smog and orange coloring from the light pollution as well as just plain ole pollution, and there are hardly any stars visible. It makes me angry when I look up and see what I think is a lovely star, and then I notice that the "star" is blinking and moving slowly across the horizon, and it isn't a star that I see, but an airplane. Another thing, there are hardly any pine trees here. In Rusk there was nothing but HUGE pine trees and green english ivy all around it was a very homey town, like the saying goes, you don't know what you've got till its gone. I'm very sorry that this is a sloppy unorganized blog, but its just word vomit. I didn't think I'd be this homesick, and it sucks, and I don't think anyone reads this dumb thing anyway so its all good.
 

Bahaha, my sinuses are stopped to the nines and I have flem and all that good stuff well I was hoping that coming to Arizona would at least help a little bit and kinda clear this stuff up, ya know with the dry air and what not. Well it hasn't, so my mom has herself a little netti pot which is like a tea pot with a really long spout and you fill it with luke warm salt water and stick it in a nostril, slightly tilt your head and pour the water in one side of your nose and it goes out the other. My sinuses are SO swollen that the water wont go out the other side and clear my nose out. So, my Aunt Laurie, has an electronic netti pot that uses a little more force to push the water through your nose. She has seen how misserable I've been the past few days trying to fight this crap off so she suggests that I use her super cool automated (powerwash) nettie pot she bought on Amazon. So I agree. As she is getting this thing cleaned off and ready for me to use I'm telling her about my previous experience with my moms netti pot and how it wont go through the other side, and of course, she doesn't believe me (She is a "see it to believe" kind of person) and I said "Alright". I put the automated netti pot to my nose, turn it on, and the water just runs right back out of the nostril I put the nozzle to. She said "ok well, maybe its just that side" I try the other one and still, same thing water runs right back out. I look at her like "I told you so"  my mom says "See" and finally going back and forth between looking at the machine and me my Aunt goes "...Hmm, well I'll be damned."